Friday, November 13, 2009

Cliff notes

Twilight summed up:

Hi. I'm a teenage girl and I'm new in town. I'm extremely pretty and boys fall for me right and left, but I'm also really casual and klutzy and un-catty, so you can't hate me for it. I don't seem to have any real hobbies or interests -- well, I read a bit. My mother's flakey and lives at the other end of the country, and my dad's kind of clueless, so I have tons of freedom to have all kinds of ridiculous adventures.

My boyfriend is so awesome. Who needs hobbies when you have him? He's totally gorgeous and sexy and athletic, and so cool. He's also insanely wealthy. None of that is why I love him, of course; I love him for who he really is, 'cause he's also sensitive and vulnerable -- and he has some other interests, though we don't talk about them much. He absolutely dotes on me, but he's so respectful and protective that he won't have sex with me -- which is great, because then I don't have to think about whether I'm ready for it or not or talk about something like condoms, which would break the spell of my fantasy. He's never looked at another girl in school before me, which makes me feel really special.

This is crap, people. Run-of-the-mill teenybopper romance crap. The only thing that saves it is that the guy is a vampire. To get through, you really either need to want to read a Harlequin romance, or shut your eyes to that and focus on the universe. If you try it out of curiosity, just read New Moon, which is at least a little more interesting as Bella gets all crazy after her vampire leaves her, and spares you the exposition of the first novel. And for god's sake, spare yourself the last one, in which she has a half-vampire baby that nearly kills her and who her werewolf Native American best friend then forms a soulmate bond with... How they're going to film all that, I will never know, because I have no interest in seeing the movies. But yes, Robert Pattinson is pretty.

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